You tell other people about highs and lows, but your spouse shares these moments with you – as one and the same in so many ways. For the first many months after Bryant passed, my heart would absolutely ache that I didn’t have my husband here to tell him the stupidest thing that I would have only bothered him with… every day! The urge would pop up to tell him about it, and then like a dagger I was reminded that I didn’t have anyone so intimate as to share all the little frustrating and all the little special moments that only a spouse really gets.
But the last few months I don’t even hardly have the urge because my mind is finally starting to accept that no one is there to receive the text, to be in the next room, or share such intimate moments with. And the weight of this loneliness has been heavy. It’s a void that coffee with a friend cannot fill, and it’s a set apart missing piece that not even any other family member can fill.
The last few months I have expressed to the Lord all of these feelings. I tell Him I trust Him, but that this is hard, and He has listened and comforted me like only He can. Recently, though, in my heart I heard His Spirit ask me: Is what you have enough? Are the blessings you have with you enough? I felt it was a question that didn’t need an answer in that moment, but instead something to sit with me for a while.
I was then led to a song and as I went on a walk alone it was no longer just a song. It became a revelation and a declaration. Instead of telling God what I am missing, by His Spirit I shifted to surrender. Instead of repeating what I do not have, I began to receive what only He could fill the void with.
I realized that I was lonely because I was not satisfied. I was struggling because my focus was on what I was missing – on what I don’t have. When I focus on and long for what I don’t have, my soul is not at rest. I am not satisfied. But what if I let the Lord fill the empty space of what I don’t have? What if I rest in contentment with what only He can provide for my heart? The blessings I have here with me are enough. The Lord is more than enough.
YOU…. Satisfy me
YOU… Make me happy
From the bottom of my heart to every crevice of my soul
I want to know….YOU
I’m thirsty for….YOU
Everyday You let me know I’m not alone
YOU are my desire
Only You, Lord
Jesus, You satisfy
This evening I had to go to our kids' school football game. I had not been since Bryant and I had gone together the weekend he went to the hospital. I had to face this alone when every other time I had him sitting by my side. I played this song as I drove up to the school. I declared my contentment in Jesus and received His peace to be where I needed to be for my kids. It wasn't easy, and the space beside me on the bleacher felt immense, but I did have supernatural peace and my kids smiled with their friends throughout the night. What I have is enough, even when it's hard. I choose to be satisfied in the blessings I do have, and by the most costly treasure ever known:
“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, and upon finding a single pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it."
Matthew 13:45-46
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