Last year at this time, Bryant had only been gone for about a month and half. I remember pressing through with so much will to give my kids something positive after all we had gone through the previous four months. We had so many prayers, support, and encouragement. I was at the beginning of this new “ride” I never wanted to be on, and I knew I had to power through so my family didn’t crash. We made it through with positive moments and sweet experiences. It was painful but there was also so much beauty at the same time.
We are now on our “round two’s” of everything. The second birthday without him. The second Christmas without him, etc. I’m realizing that after making it through all of the firsts, my subconscious thought, “Okay, we made it through… Now what? Things can go back to normal? He comes back? We made it through so we can get off this dreadful ride now, right?”
This season is difficult because reality slams in your face showing you that you don’t get to get off this ride. You can get through and get through and get through, but it doesn’t stop. Your partner is still not there to do life with you. Your kids still don’t have their dad. The weight of the family is still on your shoulders and yes you are still alone to “get through” the next thing.
This Christmas, as I shopped for the kids’ gifts, I reminisced on how Bryant and I used to make dates of it and shop together. I wrapped the gifts and put tags on them that said From: Mommy and Daddy because I couldn’t write just Mommy. I struggled with thoughts of feeling forgotten and had to focus on the precious ways God showed me we were still in His care.
Despite my internal struggles, I tried with all that I had to give the kids a good holiday experience and they seemed to truly all have a lovely Christmas and were overjoyed with their gifts. I’m praying and asking God to help me have genuine joy in these moments and not just buck up and get through them. I believe I will get stronger, that God will continue to provide, and that the blessings will overpower the longings in such a way that I feel all the goodness that I know is already there.
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