I remember being about 5 months into our world being blown apart by my husband’s unexpected trip to the hospital which resulted in us never getting to speak with him again as he eventually passed in the hospital.
I was spending some time praying over one of my kids, and at the time it seemed God interrupted my plans to pray for her with addressing me. But, as I look back, by God doing this it does affect my kids because when He brings healing to me, they get the overflow of that healing.
God gently showed me how I had been pretending that Bryant is still here. It wasn’t harsh or judgmental - just telling me to see how I have been doing that. I assume it’s very natural to pretend like the one you love is still here and like you are still married to him. You go so long picturing your life one way, all those plans get tossed to the side, and now here you are trying to live life like you never imagined, so you pretend so you can cope and function day to day. That’s okay for a time because you do need to function!
God showed me a few things that day in my closet that did help set me free and gain new perspective. The first thing He said to help me accept my new reality is that: You are not married to a deceased person.
Of course I knew that, but I was actively “pretending” he was still here and that we were married and that he would soon be back. Nothing crazy… if someone asked about my family of course I would acknowledge Bryant was gone. But the only way I can describe it is the way I functioned in my mind was to not face reality because that reality was just too much.
No, I am alive here on earth with my kids and Bryant has gone into eternity ahead of us. We buried his body in the ground, and it was lowered into the grave. I am not married to someone whose earthly body is buried and he is now with Jesus. Why does that matter that I acknowledge that? God lovingly showed me why next. He told me:
If you don’t acknowledge what you’ve lost, if you keep pretending it’s not real, then you won’t really grieve that loss, but healing can only come once you have allowed yourself to truly see and feel and acknowledge what is gone.
God wants to heal us, but if we pretend that our loss is not real and that our loved one is not really gone, and that we are still married, we won’t truly acknowledge and bring our pain to the feet of Jesus and our loving Heavenly Father to heal our hurts, bind the wounds of hearts, and comfort us the way only He can.
Lastly, my last rebuttal would be: If I acknowledge I’m not married to Bryant and truly see that he’s not here and not coming back, isn’t that moving on? And I don’t want to move on, I’m not ready to, I don’t want to dishonor him by moving on.
God helped me with this too in that moment. He said: Releasing your husband to the arms of Jesus is not moving on.
Me acknowledging that Bryant had passed into eternity was not moving on. It was just me stopping holding onto what was not mine to hold onto anymore. Bryant was with Jesus, but I found comfort in pretending he was still here. I wanted to hold onto him and not let him go. I needed to physically, spiritually, and mentally, release him to the arms of Jesus. And that is not moving on without him.
I can still stay in a posture of honor, and remembrance, and love for him and our family and all that we have built. And at the same time, I can allow my spirit to say that he is free to receive his reward in heaven by our loving Heavenly Father, and one day myself and my kids will join him. He just went ahead of us in our journey, has arrived, and we are walking in that same direction. I release him to arrive ahead of us, and I trust that God will provide for us until we get there, too.
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