Sometimes you are going down the path of life and things go awry… People often refer to this as they “hit a bump in the road.” The only way I know to describe losing my husband and my children’s father is that we were going down the road and a bomb went off and blew the entire road up. It was not just a bump, there was no road left of our life that we knew before.
One year has passed since Bryant went from this life into eternity. No, I still cannot wrap my mind around him not being here. No, I have not gotten used to it. No, I have not entered a new normal because this is not normal and the space he has left still feels as big as it did a year ago.
As I walk through my home each day, I can see images of where he used to sit, stand, sleep, and embrace me. It feels like he was here one minute and then disappeared as a vapor the next. The verse that seems to summarize my everyday feelings is James 4:14 –
Yet you do not know about what may happen in your life tomorrow. You are merely a vapor that is visible for a little while and then vanishes [into thin air].
Yes, that is exactly what it feels like. How could I ever wrap my mind around the person who I was with since I was 16, spent decades building a life and family together, and imagined becoming a grandparent with not being here? I can’t and I miss my husband every day.
I miss seeing his love for the Lord – walking into my bedroom and seeing him laying in bed just worshipping or watching The Chosen 😊.
I miss seeing his love for our kids – seeing him joke around with them, wrestle with them, and making them laugh. Oh, this one is especially hard to not see anymore.
I miss his touch – if I walked into a room, he found a way to connect with me always. Our then 7 year old would say: Daddy is so touchy touchy with you! Haha
I miss his encouragement – it often felt like flattery, but the sweet guy truly believed I was the greatest thing since sliced bread and although I may have replied to his compliments by just shaking my head, I now miss having his rose colored glasses of love for me.
I miss his strength – the husband and father in the home’s role is irreplaceable. It’s so humbling and vulnerable to no longer walk in the shadow of Bryant’s strength.
However, one thing that has brought me peace this year is that I firmly believe in “and also.” I can feel the deepest pain possible and also be full of hope. I can feel heartbreak and also experience love. I can not understand it all and also be full of faith.
It doesn’t have to be either or. I don’t have to choose to either turn to God or fully embrace the pain that I feel. I can be honest about how much this sucks and at the same time be so grateful for all the ways He has been faithful to us and will continue to be.
Where would we be without God’s love this year? Where would we be without His guidance? Where would we be without His provision? Where would we be without His supernatural peace?
Matthew 7:25
And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the Rock.
Oh the rains have fallen. Oh the floods have come. The winds have blown and have beat against us, but our house has not fallen! Our family is founded on the Rock and He is a firm foundation. He has held us together in a way no earthly thing could. Our Rock is Jesus and He is the reason we stand. He is the reason we have hope. He is the reason we look to the future with expectation.
Thank You, Jesus, for the cross.
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