Since the loss of my husband, I have slowly seen time and time again the places that he and I leaned on each other, and I didn’t even realize that we did. I have seen all the ways not having a man’s strength at home is greatly missed and it can get discouraging.
One thing our family loved to do together was go fishing. We did this regularly and often over the years. Just before Bryant went to the hospital, it was still very hot weather, so we were waiting for it to cool off a bit before we began several months of fishing in decent weather. However, he was in ICU during our planned family fishing time.
I remember driving to the ER that first day in hot weather. Then, the day Bryant passed away a few months later, I walked out of the hospital knowing that once I drove away from the hospital there would be no returning because he would not be there. As I walked through the parking lot the long distance to my car parked at the far edge, the weather was now cool and crisp - nothing like when we first arrived. It felt to me as if time had stood still while we were in the hospital, but this weather change proved that the world had gone on without us while we fought for life in our little ICU cave together.
Anyway, winter came and left, and spring was finally here about 5 or 6 months later. Our family had some free time and I wanted to bring some joy to the kids by taking them fishing. My boys helped me load up the poles and lawn chairs and off we went.
Once we arrived, things just felt awkward. Bryant was so strong. He would have carried multiple lawn chairs at once plus several poles! He would have helped me with the lines for the poles and the bait. We struggled to get set up and everything took 5 times as long as when he was here with us. We ended up leaving 30 minutes later because it really wasn’t fun.. it just kind of sucked.
A few months later it was Father’s Day and we picked out plants to plant in the front flower garden in honor of Bryant. He loved working on our front yard, and I thought it would be a tangible thing for the kids to do for him. Each kid got one flowering plant and we went to work planting them. However, I soon remembered that Bryant always dug the holes when we planted the flowers, and our soil was not the loosest. We struggled so much being able to break through areas and find the right spots, but we finally accomplished our mission. It really was a good experience, but again it was a glaring reminder that we no longer had his strength in our home.
These are bigger markers for me, but really every day there are tasks that I take care of that I know I would not be doing if he were here with me. We were partners in running our home and caring for our kids. Where I needed help, he stepped up and where he needed help, I stepped up. Like a well-oiled machine, I would say.
There are times I’m taking a child somewhere or times I’m working on something at home and it seems like the precious commodity of time is being spent at twice the rate because there is now only one working to do it all. And that can get discouraging.
For some reason one verse has stood out to me to give me strength when I am feeling disappointed that I now unexpectedly am responsible for 100 percent of our parenting duties instead of 50 percent like it used to be:
1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child.
But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
When I’m walking out to the dumpster at 11pm at night to take out the trash (something Bryant used to do for us) and my mind is overwhelmed thinking about all that needs taken care of the next day, I can feel my countenance shift. I’m not sure what to name it: Discouragement… Self-Pity… Resentment… but I know it shifts downward. In those moments I feel like I can give into frustration and disappointment for all that’s on me now that my husband is gone. Or I can “adult up” so to speak.
In those moments, I say out loud, “I have God’s strength in me to do what I need to do. When I was a child, I thought like a child, but now I put away childish things.”
In my mind, I am telling myself: Amy, you can pity yourself all day long but what is that going to do to change what’s required of you right now? It’s time to act like an adult and handle business. I hold my head up high, I put my shoulders back, and do what’s required for my family because that’s what an adult does. That’s what a parent does. That’s what someone who has the strength of God in her does.
When I was a child, I thought like a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
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